I'm Learning

He should have known.
He should have known me.
He should have known me better.

My husband this Saturday morning hands me a cup of coffee he made, for me. He offered to make it, he made it with love, he delivered it to me in bed.

I am so grateful.
I am so upset.
I am upset with me for the part of me that is upset.

"Is this the largest mug you could find?" I ask?
"I didn't really think about it," he said. "I saw you've been using this for your coffee."
"Yes," I say, "But I use the Keurig during the week. "When you make my coffee, I like to drink it from the bigger mugs." (You should know that, I imply.)

I couldn't not say it. I couldn't resist implying he should know better than to not use a giant mug when he makes me his custom coffee.

I sit up in bed sipping, but not quite enjoying, my morning brew.

I rewind to seven years ago, that October when my backpacking, solitude-loving, introverted husband took me to New York City for my fiftieth birthday. After an adventure-filled week, the morning of our departure we Googled Dunkin' Donuts and found one a mile from our hotel. The shop was a novelty for us, since at the time no DD's existed in Southern California, where we live. We had just enough time to squeeze in one last visit so took the mile walk. There I found a mug I wanted, and Brent bought it for me, an item celebrating both NYC and Dunkin' Donuts, a perfect souvenir.

While packing after hurrying back to the hotel, I was realized I had left the newly purchased mug at the donut shop. We phoned to verify it was indeed there, and Brent ran as fast as he could a mile, retrieved my souvenir, and ran back, mug in hand, to the hotel, where we caught our ride to the airport just in time to catch the flight home.

He was my hero, and I told him so.

This mug that brings back happy memories is the same mug I'm upset about this morning. It's the one he chose to serve my coffee in.

Even now, I see those words, he chose to serve, and I know I should be thankful!

I've been practicing gratitude, I really have. I know it should win over ingratitude, I really do. How I can see my husband go from hero to zero over such a thing, I don't know. But I sense it has very little to do with him and a lot to do with me.

I traveled a few steps (not a heroic mile, however) between the above paragraph and the one I am writing now. I found my husband in the garage and told him I had something I needed to ask forgiveness for. "Whatever could you have done wrong this early in the morning?" he asked. I stumbled through my apology. He somehow had failed to be offended by my remarks but accepted my apology, along with my thanks for his kindness.

"Next time," he said, "it's OK to just ask for a bigger mug."

I think I have some things to learn, about receiving, about receiving imperfectly the imperfect gifts given to me, about allowing even my gratitude to be imperfect.

Lord, I'm grateful. Help my ungratefulness.


Diane Mann 2020

In Support of Marriage

"Equal" signs are popping up on facebook, along with the marriage-between-a-man-and-a-woman statements.  While weighty decisions are being made about marital unions in our country, I find myself also taking a look at marriage, not out there so much with the implications on a nationwide scale, but here in my home and in the relationships of people I know.  Do I "support marriage"?  How do I do so in my own life and encourage my friends to do the same?

My husband, Brent, phoned from Alabama last night, where he is on a business trip, and we were, unusual for us, actually enjoying talking on the phone, like two teenagers who are just getting to know each other. We both noticed how much fun we were having, and the conversation led to how God has brought us to a place of enjoying -- finding joy in -- one another.  Brent mentioned he felt it was a rare, beautiful thing that's going on with us and said sadly he doesn't see a whole lot of people super keen on their spouses.  I mentioned that God had been leading me to pray for marriages, naming a few.

Brent paused.  "Diane, how many people in this world have someone praying for their marriage?  Think about it.  That's a neat thing you're doing."

I know many people have prayed for mine.  And I know the sure hand of God that has wrought beautiful things in my marriage relationship.  I know of His redemptive heart, His longing to make impoverished places rich again, to pour His love into us and see us show one another the love and mercy shown us.

And I know pain.  I know what it's like to feel unenjoyed, lonely, unseen, misunderstood.  Wounds my husband and I did not even know existed have been pricked unbeknownst to either of us at times, and we hurt each other deeply. Then there are the times we've intentionally been critical or acted with disdain and exasperation toward each other.  For a stretch, our marriage was a raw, huge "ouch" for us both.

Committing your life to another, with promises to cherish and love, is really an impossible endeavor, one that for us has meant running out of love then running to the One who is love to show us what love looks like.  I know of not many easy marriages. Sadly they can become a place of destruction rather than a place of healing.  But God specializes in changing people, in transforming lives.  I know we are surprised at our ineptness at redeeming ourselves, but our Maker is not at all surprised and stands by willing to step in as we allow and invite Him into our places of pain. 

Below I offer some ways to support marriage, the one that is yours:

*Seek help when needed.   Proverbs 11:14 states, "Where no wise guidance is, the people fall; But in the multitude of counselors there is safety." 

*Dismantle the idol of the perfect partner.  Write on a balloon ways you think your spouse ought to be.  Let it go.  The ways you wish he or she were have served as an idol, and they actually blind you to who your spouse is, making you unable to receive your mate for the gift he or she really is.  Again, let it go.

*Ask Jesus to meet your deepest needs.  No one else was ever intended to.  Confess to Him your longing for your spouse's love more than His love if you have done this. 

*When you find yourself viewing your mate through a critical, without-grace lens, go straight to Jesus.  Sit in His love, asking Him to pour into you.  Do this often.  As you receive His love and allow it to change you, you will be more gracious in your love for your spouse.  You cannot try harder to love nor conjure up a gracious spirit.  This only happens through Christ in you.

*Compliment the good you see.

*Thank God daily for the gift of your husband or wife.

*Ask God to show you how He sees your spouse and to notice what He is up to in his or her life.  Seek to have His heart toward your loved one.  Ask Him to show you ways you can come alongside Him in loving her or him.

*Celebrate the day of your marriage each month.   For us, it's Happy 12th.  In the simplest of ways, you can convey the message, "I'm still glad I married you."  A favorite candy bar, a note, a coffee date -- you get it.

*When working through a hard issue together, choose to put it aside for a time.  Select a date on which you will again talk about the ongoing problem.  This is really freeing to be able to enjoy each other even though not all is resolved.

*Live under the lens of Christ's love for you.  Your spouse will never understand you fully and may completely misunderstand you at times, not seeing you for who you are.  Ask God what He sees, and live more constantly under His gaze.

*Accept the fact that you cannot change anyone.  Keep tending to your own relationship with God, and continually entrust your mate to His care.

*Throw out the comparisons, whether it be comparing your marriage to another, your husband or wife to another.  Nobody would really want to trade dirty laundry if they knew the reality of others' hardships.

*Allow space in your home for both of you to become more fully who you really are -- two very different people with your own personalities, interests, likes, dislikes.  You may not "get" your wife's love of candles, for example.  But ask her what she loves about candles.  Wives, see what it is that he enjoys so much about flashlights.  Find out what lights up your mate.

*Reminisce together on ways God has blessed your relationship.

These are some ways God has helped us to nurture our marriage.  The hardships and failures really have caused us to become more dependent on His love and grace toward us.  When we are weak, He indeed is strong.  May He be your strength in your most broken places and infuse your lives and relationships with His love and mercy.

Treasures from the Trail, Part 5 - A Word About Vanity

Morning Instant Oatmeal Feast

This whole backpacking-with-my-husband thing has been a gift on countless levels, really.  One of the treasures our times have contained is most surprising to me.  When Brent and I vacation staying in hotels, I can get caught up in what I look like.  Do I look cute? feel cute? am I cute?  Are my earrings matching (hopefully they're matching each other, but I mean are they matching my outfit)?  And I pack many shoes to wear just the right ones with each set of clothes.

He and I have discussed how backpacking is a fast in many ways:   a fast from our soft bed, running water, fresh food, appliances, icy cold drinks, electronics.  On the list goes.  For me it is also a fast, a retreat, from the need to look darling.

It's not that I haven't tried.  Sensing my desire to appear and feel more feminine on the trail, I ordered hiking skorts.   I researched to find a great price and read all 53 reviews about the item of clothing I ordered that promised to be functional and, well, frankly, adorable.  Next was the trail test, where I wore them on a local overnighter to see whether they'd make the cut to bring to our big hike in the Sierras.  Portrayed as feminine, functional, water resistant, bug proof, SPF 50 rated and great fitting,  how could this item of clothing be resisted?  However, In all 53 descriptions of how this skirt-short combination changed women's lives for the better, no one mentioned that with each step my thighs would be saying, "Pardon me, excuse me," to each other!  REI takes returns for any reason.  Reason?  Um, my thighs rubbed together?  "They didn't work for me," was my explanation to the sales associate as I slid the unwanted skorts across the counter towards her.

I share this to say that, while I still struggle some with vanity, I've experienced much freedom as well.  Farthest from my mind now is, what is Brent thinking of how I look or am I feeling pretty?  I get so bamboozled with the beauty around me, what God is doing in me and focus on the steps and the exertion, the life inside me that my eyes and attention are off of my appearance.  Early on in our trail adventures, what  became apparent to me is that much of the fun we enjoy together on these journeys is due to my not having room to pack my vanity.  I am traveling lighter!

Can anyone think of a caption for this picture?

Admittedly, I delete some pictures I see when we get home.  Sometimes I see one and let out a big, "Whoa!"  But I'm caring less.  The  bad pics don't sear their images on my mind or taunt me like they used to.  A friend was talking with me about what she was going to wear on a trip to the East Coast this fall, and she said she was feeling drawn to packing more simply and not being so caught up in what she wore.  I encouraged her and pulled out my phone and brought up these puffy-eyed photos I'm sharing,  telling her I was going to write about this subject, and she reacted with a sincerely concerned look, asking, "You're not going to show anyone those, are you?"

Well, yeah, I think I will!  Thanks for the idea.

I never realized just how self-occupied with my own looks I was until I fasted from my primping.  If my thoughts of how my own attractiveness or lack thereof are not on the front burner of my mind, there's more space to focus on enjoying my husband, together unwrapping this tremendous gift the Giver of all good things has presented to us.

Treasures from the Trail, Part 1 - What a Difference a Decade Makes

Last week my husband and I backpacked 32 miles of the John Muir Trail from Mammoth Lakes to Tuolumne Meadows over a four-day and three-night period.  Strapped to my back was 30 pounds of food, water, clothing and other necessities.  A few ounces of the weight was taken up by a small journal and a ballpoint pen with which I jotted down some of what I noticed going on around me and inside of me as I traversed the majesty of the High Sierras.

Over my next several entries, I will unpack in a sense the scrawling contained in my tiny notebook, expressing what God showed me to be true of Him and of me and how He met me in surprising ways on my journey.  Part of what I love about backpacking is how I am forced to slow down, both mind and body.  As I stop rushing, I arrive in a place where I am able to enter each moment, experiencing life one step at a time, one breath at a time, opening myself up to noticing God's presence in the world out there and in me, in here.

What I will begin with (and will, no doubt, be woven into much of what I share) is something that is becoming an essential, expanding part of me:  gratitude.

As we started on our trail, I was thinking about how I am soon to be turning 50.  Forty-nine.  I'm 49, I thought, and receiving this new gift God has given me of being able to hike with my husband.  How good is that? I smiled and thought to myself.  My mind jumped back a decade.  What was I doing ten years ago this summer, when I was 39 going on 40?  I was preparing to begin treatment for hepatitis C, with which I had recently been diagnosed, having received the disease from a blood transfusion in 1976.  Appointments with doctors, specialists, psychiatrists, calls to the insurance company, along with much prayer and questioning occupied me that summer, not knowing what lay ahead but, with what faith I could muster, entrusting the outcome to God.

The year-long treatment, which tremendously weakened my body, to my utter devastation and disappointment, failed, as did my spirits after receiving the bad news from the doctor.  The walls of the examining room closed in on me upon hearing the words, "Don't worry.  You won't have cirhossis of the liver for at least five more years."  Plunged into a deep, dark depression, frozen with fear that I would not live long, I entered a path of illness, anxiety and despair.

But that was ten years ago.  The ways in which God invited me to re-enter life, met me in my loneliest times and gave me new strength still amaze me but are subjects for another time.

Gratitude pulses through my veins as I begin my trek on the John Muir trail, aware that God Himself has given me new energy, new enthusiasm, enough that I am able to follow the desire He gave me to join my husband for this incredible adventure.

For the things He has done, I thank Him.  For Who He is, I praise Him.  For the creative ways He gifts me, I bless Him, and excitedly step foot onto the path to which He has led me.  My heart and eyes are open wide, and I am humbly grateful, ready to receive the blessings, trials and beauty of this place.

Show Us You (A prayer for my daughter and her husband on their wedding day)

To You, O Lord, we lift our souls

In You we place our trust

Let not the hardships of this life

Remove Your joy from us

May hope not depart

May truth be near

Putting forth its light

As we look to You

Led and loved by You

Guide us on paths that are right.

And when we stumble and fall

Or don't give a care

For all You are and You do

When we close our eyes tight

To hide from Your light

Let us know that Your grace

Is there too

For there's nowhere You're not

Show us You.

diane mann 2011

Steps

I wrote this years ago to record my fears, gratitude to my husband and hopes that God would see me through the stuck place I was in upon finding out my hepatitis C treatment did not work as the doctors had thought.  I read it again this morning and marvel at the redemptive-ness of God, re-collecting the shattered pieces of me and growing new things in my life from spots of desolation.  Here is a piece of my journey.

Big steps
Little steps
Stepping toward each other
Backing away
Crawling
Running 
Leaping
Lunging
Strolling, barefooted steps
Steep, mountainous steps
Uphill
Downhill
Learning to pace
Stopping to listen
To the Spirit's footsteps
So we could keep walking
In His ways

Arm in arm with my Dad
I stepped eagerly
Toward you
As tears of happiness
Streamed down
Your handsome face
You gasped
And covered your mouth
Because you felt so blessed that God
Chose me to walk
Through life with you
My Dad prayed
Kissed me
Then placed my hand 
In yours
Up the stairs we walked
We knelt in prayer
We sang
Making our pledge
To God and each other
To walk together
In good times
And bad times
In rich times
And poor times
In sickness
And in health
We promised to love 
And cherish each other
Our whole life long

I've just been through
A very painful
Difficult few years
God never left me
But neither did you
You have been so helpful
So kind
So compassionate
Consistent
And considerate
You have driven home
In the middle of the day
When the darkness seemed too dark
For me to take another step alone
Along you came (flashlight in hand -- or on forehead:)
To help me walk through this illness
The treatment
And all that accompanied it

So many appointments
You sat by my side
Having driven from Huntington Beach
To Loma Linda
We laughed because Dr. Hu
Liked you
Your scientific mind
And your A, B, C questions so well
He always patted me and said,
"You be fine.  You will get better.  You have good husband."

I know God deserves the glory
For getting me through
This tough time of my life
But you have my deep gratitude as well
For you have been a vessel of His grace, strength and love
To me

With each step
I'll stay by you, too
I cannot thank you enough
For your sacrificial love

Back up the aisle we walked
Arm in arm
On our wedding day
Our first steps 
As man and wife
Today I walk meekly
Into the medical center
While you park the car
We didn't ask for
Or expect
This to be part of our journey
But it is not our first trial together
Neither will it be our last
You are the one
With whom I want to share
My ecstasy
And my deepest pain

We have walked with
And comforted each other
Through the untimely losses
of both our Dads
They should be here
For us
And to see our children graduate
Develop their gifts
Get married

Well, the results came back
As did my hepatitis
Seeing our grief
The nurse left us alone
In the examining room
To absorb what we had heard
To comfort each other
To cry
Rather than being a painful
Chapter in our lives
To be looked back on
This illness will remain
We will learn to accept it
Though anger, anguish and grief precede
Our learning to live with this burden
God will use it as an instrument of change
Good and great things will stem
From this uninvited invader
Of what we thought
Our lives would look like

God is the author of my life
Of our lives, of our children's lives
Now we look around and say
This is not what we ever wanted
Or asked for
It feels so cruel and harsh
I stomp my feet
Climb in bed
Bury my head under the covers
And say
It just can't be
This is not okay with me
You cry with me
Searching for a way 
To lessen my sorrow

God, right now I want to run
And run and run
But running from You is pointless
For there is nowhere that You aren't!
So even with my childlike tantrums
And my deep fear
Of an unknown future
Help me to do my running
Toward You
Even if I flail in Your arms
Like an obstinate two-year-old
Be patient with me
I just can't take another step
It's scary ahead
And I am afraid

Offer me Your strong
And steady hand
Teach me to believe 
That Your ways
Are really, truly
Higher, better, brighter
Than my ways
It sounds impossible now
But someday let me look back
And see how You became my strength
In weakness
How You became
My light
In darkness
Be, as You have been at other times,
The lifter of my head

I don't want to look back
At the end of my life
And say, I could have had a good life
Had it not been for my illness
Let it not define me
Let being Your daughter define me
Let knowing Your goodness define me
Let a life being yielded to You
Because I'm certain of Your love
Define me
I'm going to need so many reminders
Of Your love and goodness
Along the way
Doubts will arise
But I'll take them to You

This bad news is a chance for me
To say
I wonder how God is going to show
His goodness and grace 
Through this situation
I know He will
As I reach my shaky hand
Toward His strong, steady hand
And walk with Him
Sometimes reluctantly
But hopefully willingly
Step by baby step.

Diane Mann, 2004

Exceedingly Perfect

Our 26th wedding anniversary!

Lovely time

At a wonderful hotel

In a beautiful room

I opened the guestbook

To record our stay

And noticed the entry above ours

It read:

"November 9,

We are on our honeymoon!

The room is perfect!

The food, perfect!

The service, perfect!
(Signed) Vivian
P.S.  The groom exceeds perfection!!"

Twenty-six years ago
I, too, was an exclamation-point bride
In awe of my groom
And he of me
Before too long
We tumbled off those unrealistic pedestals
On which we each placed the other
And admittedly have at times been
Exceedingly imperfect
But we have learned
To love
To forgive
To laugh
To view each other not with "love-is-blind" eyes
But through the lens
Of our Savior's gracious love
And no longer expect perfection from each other
(Whew!)
Together we can exclaim
Praise be to You, God
You have been the Rock on which we stand
On  Whom we rely
You have been
Perfectly faithful
Perfectly loving
Perfectly patient
Perfectly good
To us
You and You alone
Exceed perfection!!

Diane Mann 2009

There You Are

Yesterday my husband and I celebrated 24 years of marriage. I have become convinced that, while we are indeed blessings to each other, these blessings can be awfully difficult. Our relationship has been at times painstakingly hard yet filled with much that is bountifully good. I liken our home to a laboratory whereby God is making us both molded more and more into the likeness of Christ. What happens in laboratories isn't always pretty, but wonderful things are created there.

This is a poem I wrote years ago when a friend's husband left her. It speaks of being at the end of ourselves with our love for each other. I believe it is at that point we truly learn to love with the love God has given to us.

There you are
The man I gave my heart to
Years ago
We said I do
And knew
That nothing would pull us apart.

There you are
The man I wounded
With sword-sharp words
And careless insults
Pointing out who you were NOT
Instead of magnifying the good in you.

There you are
The man who closed his heart
To me
It didn't happen in a day
Or even overnight
Out of my hurt
I hurt you back
Not even really knowing
You, my strong husband
Were hurt-able.

There you are
Physically here
Yet continents apart
From the woman
To whom you gave your heart
And who offered hers
to you

There you are
But with the slam of a door
Suddenly you aren't
If someone had shredded me
Into a million pieces
I could not experience
Any more pain
Than that which I now know
The anguish
Of your absence
The dissolving
Of a dream
Promises broken
So much I wish I could undo
But time goes forward
Not backward
And together
We destroyed each other
The very people
We vowed to cherish
Above all else

Here I am
With an unexplainable hope
God, who heals hearts
And rebuilds lives
Has sustained me
Through this time
When I think, I'll surely die
He tells me that
No matter what's ahead
For me
Or us
That he will be there
So close
Loving me
Directing me
Comforting me
Seeing me as precious

Here I am
Asking forgiveness
Understanding your reluctance
To trust
To try again
We have failed so much!
I know now
That I expected you
To be God to me
You were to heal my hurts
To know my every need
To make me whole
And inevitably
You could not do that for me
Nor I for you

Here I am
Seeing life
And marriage
As a process
Two people learning
Failing
Forgiving
Growing
Who agree to LEARN to love

It won't be perfect
There are scars
And there will be future struggles
But God will be with us
Loving us
Forgiving us
Teaching us
Pouring His grace on us
He is the only One
Who can put the pieces back together
And grow that once-promised
Forever love
Back into our shattered lives

Here we are
All we have to offer
Is our brokenness
Our sorrow
Our weakness
And regret

There He is
With open arms
His potter's hands
Wanting to lovingly mold us
Into who and how He wants us to be
Both to each other
And to our children
This is His specialty!
He is not shaking a finger
At us
Or looking down
In disdain
He is not surprised
By our inadequacies
But is lovingly willing
To enter into
The darkest corners
Of our self-destructive ways
And there meet us
And mold us
All we must do
Is admit our weakness
And He promises
To be our strength

There He is
Knowing our brokenness
Because He too was broken
In order that we may be whole
Knowing our sinfulness
Because He became sin for us
So that our sins
Would not be counted against us
Knowing our loneliness
Because He died alone
So that we may have fellowship
With Him
And with each other

There you are
Here I am
Above all
There He Is

Diane Mann 2002