There You Are

Yesterday my husband and I celebrated 24 years of marriage. I have become convinced that, while we are indeed blessings to each other, these blessings can be awfully difficult. Our relationship has been at times painstakingly hard yet filled with much that is bountifully good. I liken our home to a laboratory whereby God is making us both molded more and more into the likeness of Christ. What happens in laboratories isn't always pretty, but wonderful things are created there.

This is a poem I wrote years ago when a friend's husband left her. It speaks of being at the end of ourselves with our love for each other. I believe it is at that point we truly learn to love with the love God has given to us.

There you are
The man I gave my heart to
Years ago
We said I do
And knew
That nothing would pull us apart.

There you are
The man I wounded
With sword-sharp words
And careless insults
Pointing out who you were NOT
Instead of magnifying the good in you.

There you are
The man who closed his heart
To me
It didn't happen in a day
Or even overnight
Out of my hurt
I hurt you back
Not even really knowing
You, my strong husband
Were hurt-able.

There you are
Physically here
Yet continents apart
From the woman
To whom you gave your heart
And who offered hers
to you

There you are
But with the slam of a door
Suddenly you aren't
If someone had shredded me
Into a million pieces
I could not experience
Any more pain
Than that which I now know
The anguish
Of your absence
The dissolving
Of a dream
Promises broken
So much I wish I could undo
But time goes forward
Not backward
And together
We destroyed each other
The very people
We vowed to cherish
Above all else

Here I am
With an unexplainable hope
God, who heals hearts
And rebuilds lives
Has sustained me
Through this time
When I think, I'll surely die
He tells me that
No matter what's ahead
For me
Or us
That he will be there
So close
Loving me
Directing me
Comforting me
Seeing me as precious

Here I am
Asking forgiveness
Understanding your reluctance
To trust
To try again
We have failed so much!
I know now
That I expected you
To be God to me
You were to heal my hurts
To know my every need
To make me whole
And inevitably
You could not do that for me
Nor I for you

Here I am
Seeing life
And marriage
As a process
Two people learning
Failing
Forgiving
Growing
Who agree to LEARN to love

It won't be perfect
There are scars
And there will be future struggles
But God will be with us
Loving us
Forgiving us
Teaching us
Pouring His grace on us
He is the only One
Who can put the pieces back together
And grow that once-promised
Forever love
Back into our shattered lives

Here we are
All we have to offer
Is our brokenness
Our sorrow
Our weakness
And regret

There He is
With open arms
His potter's hands
Wanting to lovingly mold us
Into who and how He wants us to be
Both to each other
And to our children
This is His specialty!
He is not shaking a finger
At us
Or looking down
In disdain
He is not surprised
By our inadequacies
But is lovingly willing
To enter into
The darkest corners
Of our self-destructive ways
And there meet us
And mold us
All we must do
Is admit our weakness
And He promises
To be our strength

There He is
Knowing our brokenness
Because He too was broken
In order that we may be whole
Knowing our sinfulness
Because He became sin for us
So that our sins
Would not be counted against us
Knowing our loneliness
Because He died alone
So that we may have fellowship
With Him
And with each other

There you are
Here I am
Above all
There He Is

Diane Mann 2002

Premature Conclusions

"How did their kids turn out?" we hear people ask. "My child turned out..." we'll report. These conclusions about the children's character really emerge as the offspring become 18 years of age or graduate from high school. I have seen parents so completely discouraged and bereft because of how their children "came out." (And I do not mean to make light of the real heartache parents experience as we watch our children struggle). I find it laughable, however, that such final judgment is declared when these young people are not even a fifth through their lives and only at the threshold of their adult lives and accepting responsibility for themselves.

Does anyone really know how they, themselves, "turned out" as of yet?

Conclusions. There is such a finality to them. I reach them about others, and I reach them about myself. Neither takes into account a dynamic, involved, powerful God who, by His Spirit, is in the business of transforming lives.

I've heard it said that we are to withhold judgment. Another way I am viewing this with regard to spiritual transformation is, "Don't come to a conclusion about yourself or others." Conclude that God's mercies will continue to be new every morning. Conclude that He is molding you more and more into the image of Christ as you yield yourself to Him. Conclude that nothing is too hard for the Lord. But do not look at yourself or other believers and say it is finished! Nothing could be more discouraging or untrue. And we all know that how we live stems from what we believe.

The word "conclusion" stems from Latin "conclusio," which means "closed." If I say the matter is settled regarding God changing me, I am saying my limitless, infinite creator is limited! And I'm essentially lowering the gavel (that I was never intended to hold) and declaring, "Case closed!"


Oh, Lord God, I am only beginning to see your transforming power in my life. How miraculous are your mercies that refresh me each day and give me hope of Christ becoming more and more evident, guiding, comforting, loving and making a new creature out of me. If there is anything I am sure of, let it be You, in me, the hope of glory. May I each moment wait expectantly on You to be so very present and open myself always to You.

IN CONCLUSION: I can't wait to see how I and those I love are going to turn out! I have a feeling we'll all look a lot more like Jesus than we do now!

Appreciating Structure (Renamed later: A Place to Shine)

Oh, even the title sounds boring! By nature I am carefree, spontaneous and creative. I feel squelched at the thought of writing my life's plans down on a calendar, and clocks and I -- well, you could say we really tick each other off! God has, these past couple of years, however, introduced me to both the need for structure in my life and the desirability of structure.

I have many examples He has provided me along the way, but here's the most recent: I was watching a jewelry channel in the middle of the night (volume down, just watching the pretty jewels go by to get myself back to sleep), when the seller began to display just the settings of jewelry. One after another, some not-so-pretty items were pictured, rings with settings but no stones, the framework but none of the glorious beauty of gems.

"That is structure," I said! The setting itself is not magnificent, but it provides a platform on which to secure the jewel so that it may rest there, that it may be safe in that place and that it may shine forth its beauty. And that's what structure can do for me: Grant me rest, provide me safety and give my creativity a place to shine.

This is a long, difficult road, the learning to better structure myself -- my time, my money, my belongings. Gradually, though, God is bringing about changes in me. With gentleness and creativity (thank You, God), He is making what I once ran from something I am beginning to desire.

And only He could do that!

On Nurture and Home Environment

I used to think investing time and money in improving my home was worldly and materialistic. While it could become both, it need not be either. It is simply influencing my environment so it, in turn, can have a positive, nurturing influence and effect on me and those I love. And there's nothing wrong with that!

Something New

So much of what I'm learning at present involves mind and body connection. Having lived out of my head and from my heart (which are both really good things), I'm now finding I have a body. My mind can nurture my body, AND (new knowledge) my body can be a blessing to my mind. I just read that the consistency of happy tears and sad tears are different from one another. That means when I cry, my body is getting rid of something it needs to release.

My newfound amazement with the body and its role does not subtract from my faith in God. It is He who made me and not me myself. Such new meaning the following verse is having to me: The life I live in the body I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me!

Part of my Brain

There's a part of my brain (I can point to it) that was made to take dictation. When I record what others are saying as they say it then put it into written form, something in me feels more alive and connected. It is by no means the whole of who I am, but it is part of me, and I am happy to say I am not neglecting the gift that is within me regarding that part of my brain!

Maybe

I don't have to wait to feel wonderful to move forward. Maybe feeling better comes in the moving forward itself. There's something to this idea that the Lord uses process to bring about change.

Life

It's not always fair or beautiful or amazing as I'd love for it to be. But it's life, and it is made up of many textures, for which I am just beginning to be grateful.

More Lessons From Mexico

God was not messing around when he confused people at Babel. Language is a huge, frustrating barrier. When God wanted to divide the people into nations and they decided no, they'd rather build a tower themselves reaching to heaven, he confused them by giving them each languages the others would not understand. He indeed had the last word.

What I Learned in Mexico

My part is to offer God whatever He gives me to do; His job is to perfect whatever I offer.

This truth has been most freeing as I learn to believe and live it out in more and more areas of my life.

Curious, Indeed!

"I found the cabinet I've been looking for!" my friend Sheryl exclaimed to me a few days ago." And guess what? It even has a light in it!" Today I rode with her to a furniture store to pick up her new curio cabinet, a place to display her Precious Moments figurines and various items of beauty and value that she owns.

What does a person display? That which he is wants to hide? Commonplace items? No. He displays that which is precious to him: pictures, heirlooms, objects of meaning, items of value. Look in a person's curio cabinet, and you can find out more about what he values.

In a jewelry store beautiful gems and metals are displayed on blackdrops of black velvet with just the right light shining on them so beautifully that their splendor is brilliantly displayed.

I read in Isaiah that as we trade our ashes for beauty, our mourning for gladness, and our despair for praise, we then display the splendor of God.

Somehow -- and I do mean somehow because it remains a mystery to me -- as we trade the ickiness of our lives for all that God offers us, we become a display of how amazing He is. God puts me on display to show the world His goodness, power, beauty and love. Against the backdrop of the darker times in my life but sitting in the light of Who He is, His glory is revealed.

As He shows Himself to me, He then shows Himself through me. His glory is a revealing of Himself. To me. Through me.

To be cherished by God. Precious to Him. Reflective of Him. Even a way to point others to Him. It's all so curious to me.

Lord, Thank you for the beautiful exchange you offer! My ashes for a crown of beauty, my mourning for Your gladness, my utter despair for Your praise! And the result of it all, bringing You glory. That You would bless me and use me in such a way is so beyond me. Nowhere-near-ordinary You, God, can take what is common and make it into something splendid. Keep doing that in my life as I keep seeking You. I will keep looking to You so that any beauty I display is a reflection of Your magnificence and not something I try to create on my own.

"... and provide for those who grieve in Zion-- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." Isa 61:3(b), NIV

On Faith and Fresh Starts

I just began a new Bible study last night. The topic? Faith. After having flaked out on the last part of my study of Daniel, I felt hopeful and invigorated being able to start afresh with a new, simpler book. Simple but rich, potent and life-transforming, as is all of God's word -- and all of His words! With the words "Let there be," he created this stunning world that fills even the atheist with wonder of how it came to be. And with His words He is creating and recreating wonders in me and in the lives of those who receive His word as the truth that it is.

The woman who wrote the lessons in "Walking by Faith," Jennifer Rothschild, has been blind since she was 17 years of age. Never would she have learned to lean on a guide if she could see. Likewise as we encounter the dark, scary places in our lives, we find ourselves sitting in the classroom of faith! It is in that darkness we learn to lean, to trust in the One who can see all things.

It was good to be with my Bible again this morning. And with my ladies last night at Bible study. Thankfully God is merciful and gracious, so gracious, and keeps giving me fresh starts each day regarding my learning to lean on Him and trust in Him who I cannot see versus the circumstances I am in, which I can see.

Lord, God, who wants to be my guide, thank you, thank you for Your word that carved canyons, created sky and wind and flowers and life. May your word form me into all that you want to create in me so that I, like your creation around me, may be shown Who You are and display to others Who You are. I never thought I'd say this, but thank You for the lessons learned in the dark, for it was there I was taught to depend on You rather than on what I could or could not see. And for those mercies that are new each and every morning, I am so grateful to You. I can't wait to see what You have to teach me in this new study. Make me faithful to expose myself to the power and potency of Your Word that breathes life into me.

Search Me, Oh God

I admit it. I'm a Google addict. In fact, I keep googling my own name and coming up with no hits, which is what inspired me to start my own blog. Now when I type in my name, something will come up, and I'll feel suddenly more significant. In fact, I'm sure I'll try it once I've written this.

Last week my husband found a tick embedded into his abdomen and frantically asked me to google "How to remove a tick."

Other googled subjects of mine have been:

side effects of antidepressants
cure for hepatitis C
how to lay Pergo
what does a hemorrhoid look like? (disturbing images I couldn't get out of my mind until I looked up tick removal)
A.D.D. testing
"I saw Richard Gere's house in Hacienda Heights"
tickets for American Idol
Kelley Pickler - breast augmentation (others had googled it too, 19,367, to be exact, and only 8 surveyed said they were real)
how to candy pecans
spiritual direction
words to "Like a Dead Snake in the Middle of the Road" (yes, kids, it really was a song; told you so!)

And on the list goes, my latest being "make your own blog."

A famous Psalm says, "Search me, Oh, God, and know my heart." God googles too! He searches out our hearts and knows us more fully than we know ourselves. Each detail, each thought and feeling. He knows what we are holding onto, letting go of, striving toward, wrestling with. Hmmm. Come to think of it, if He googled "Diane is anxious about," what would come up?

losing the last 10 pounds (but not letting it be that important)
the parent she hasn't been and its effects on her children
finishing her home
getting more court reporting jobs
being used by God
developing her writing
her mind feeling like confetti
what she'll wear on Easter
can this marriage be saved?
what if she never ________
what if her husband never _______
does God care whether she drinks Diet Coke, or not?
oh, will she ever write wonderful things again?
what will her blood test results be?
will she ever remove the tub of Legos from her closet? (the son who played with them just got married)
keep the shirts she bought at Kohl's or take them back? or take just some of them back?

My worries are many indeed. But if I were to Google "Burdens God is willing to carry," the hits would be infinite. "Ways God shows He loves me," unending. "What separates me from Christ's love?" Oh, look. Search has found ZERO results.

Lord, God, how wonderful it is to be thoroughly known by you. You are the only one capable of bearing my burdens and cares. Let me search Your heart and your ways and keep giving you complete access to my heart as well.

Forever yours, my Maker,
Diane (Looks like I can't google myself after all; I don't want to put my last name in here:)