In Support of Marriage

"Equal" signs are popping up on facebook, along with the marriage-between-a-man-and-a-woman statements.  While weighty decisions are being made about marital unions in our country, I find myself also taking a look at marriage, not out there so much with the implications on a nationwide scale, but here in my home and in the relationships of people I know.  Do I "support marriage"?  How do I do so in my own life and encourage my friends to do the same?

My husband, Brent, phoned from Alabama last night, where he is on a business trip, and we were, unusual for us, actually enjoying talking on the phone, like two teenagers who are just getting to know each other. We both noticed how much fun we were having, and the conversation led to how God has brought us to a place of enjoying -- finding joy in -- one another.  Brent mentioned he felt it was a rare, beautiful thing that's going on with us and said sadly he doesn't see a whole lot of people super keen on their spouses.  I mentioned that God had been leading me to pray for marriages, naming a few.

Brent paused.  "Diane, how many people in this world have someone praying for their marriage?  Think about it.  That's a neat thing you're doing."

I know many people have prayed for mine.  And I know the sure hand of God that has wrought beautiful things in my marriage relationship.  I know of His redemptive heart, His longing to make impoverished places rich again, to pour His love into us and see us show one another the love and mercy shown us.

And I know pain.  I know what it's like to feel unenjoyed, lonely, unseen, misunderstood.  Wounds my husband and I did not even know existed have been pricked unbeknownst to either of us at times, and we hurt each other deeply. Then there are the times we've intentionally been critical or acted with disdain and exasperation toward each other.  For a stretch, our marriage was a raw, huge "ouch" for us both.

Committing your life to another, with promises to cherish and love, is really an impossible endeavor, one that for us has meant running out of love then running to the One who is love to show us what love looks like.  I know of not many easy marriages. Sadly they can become a place of destruction rather than a place of healing.  But God specializes in changing people, in transforming lives.  I know we are surprised at our ineptness at redeeming ourselves, but our Maker is not at all surprised and stands by willing to step in as we allow and invite Him into our places of pain. 

Below I offer some ways to support marriage, the one that is yours:

*Seek help when needed.   Proverbs 11:14 states, "Where no wise guidance is, the people fall; But in the multitude of counselors there is safety." 

*Dismantle the idol of the perfect partner.  Write on a balloon ways you think your spouse ought to be.  Let it go.  The ways you wish he or she were have served as an idol, and they actually blind you to who your spouse is, making you unable to receive your mate for the gift he or she really is.  Again, let it go.

*Ask Jesus to meet your deepest needs.  No one else was ever intended to.  Confess to Him your longing for your spouse's love more than His love if you have done this. 

*When you find yourself viewing your mate through a critical, without-grace lens, go straight to Jesus.  Sit in His love, asking Him to pour into you.  Do this often.  As you receive His love and allow it to change you, you will be more gracious in your love for your spouse.  You cannot try harder to love nor conjure up a gracious spirit.  This only happens through Christ in you.

*Compliment the good you see.

*Thank God daily for the gift of your husband or wife.

*Ask God to show you how He sees your spouse and to notice what He is up to in his or her life.  Seek to have His heart toward your loved one.  Ask Him to show you ways you can come alongside Him in loving her or him.

*Celebrate the day of your marriage each month.   For us, it's Happy 12th.  In the simplest of ways, you can convey the message, "I'm still glad I married you."  A favorite candy bar, a note, a coffee date -- you get it.

*When working through a hard issue together, choose to put it aside for a time.  Select a date on which you will again talk about the ongoing problem.  This is really freeing to be able to enjoy each other even though not all is resolved.

*Live under the lens of Christ's love for you.  Your spouse will never understand you fully and may completely misunderstand you at times, not seeing you for who you are.  Ask God what He sees, and live more constantly under His gaze.

*Accept the fact that you cannot change anyone.  Keep tending to your own relationship with God, and continually entrust your mate to His care.

*Throw out the comparisons, whether it be comparing your marriage to another, your husband or wife to another.  Nobody would really want to trade dirty laundry if they knew the reality of others' hardships.

*Allow space in your home for both of you to become more fully who you really are -- two very different people with your own personalities, interests, likes, dislikes.  You may not "get" your wife's love of candles, for example.  But ask her what she loves about candles.  Wives, see what it is that he enjoys so much about flashlights.  Find out what lights up your mate.

*Reminisce together on ways God has blessed your relationship.

These are some ways God has helped us to nurture our marriage.  The hardships and failures really have caused us to become more dependent on His love and grace toward us.  When we are weak, He indeed is strong.  May He be your strength in your most broken places and infuse your lives and relationships with His love and mercy.