I wrote this years ago to record my fears, gratitude to my husband and hopes that God would see me through the stuck place I was in upon finding out my hepatitis C treatment did not work as the doctors had thought. I read it again this morning and marvel at the redemptive-ness of God, re-collecting the shattered pieces of me and growing new things in my life from spots of desolation. Here is a piece of my journey.
Little steps
Stepping toward each other
Backing away
Crawling
Running
Leaping
Lunging
Strolling, barefooted steps
Steep, mountainous steps
Uphill
Downhill
Learning to pace
Stopping to listen
To the Spirit's footsteps
So we could keep walking
In His ways
Arm in arm with my Dad
I stepped eagerly
Toward you
As tears of happiness
Streamed down
Your handsome face
You gasped
And covered your mouth
Because you felt so blessed that God
Chose me to walk
Through life with you
My Dad prayed
Kissed me
Then placed my hand
In yours
Up the stairs we walked
We knelt in prayer
We sang
Making our pledge
To God and each other
To walk together
In good times
And bad times
In rich times
And poor times
In sickness
And in health
We promised to love
And cherish each other
Our whole life long
I've just been through
A very painful
Difficult few years
God never left me
But neither did you
You have been so helpful
So kind
So compassionate
Consistent
And considerate
You have driven home
In the middle of the day
When the darkness seemed too dark
For me to take another step alone
Along you came (flashlight in hand -- or on forehead:)
To help me walk through this illness
The treatment
And all that accompanied it
So many appointments
You sat by my side
Having driven from Huntington Beach
To Loma Linda
We laughed because Dr. Hu
Liked you
Your scientific mind
And your A, B, C questions so well
He always patted me and said,
"You be fine. You will get better. You have good husband."
I know God deserves the glory
For getting me through
This tough time of my life
But you have my deep gratitude as well
For you have been a vessel of His grace, strength and love
To me
With each step
I'll stay by you, too
I cannot thank you enough
For your sacrificial love
Back up the aisle we walked
Arm in arm
On our wedding day
Our first steps
As man and wife
Today I walk meekly
Into the medical center
While you park the car
We didn't ask for
Or expect
This to be part of our journey
But it is not our first trial together
Neither will it be our last
You are the one
With whom I want to share
My ecstasy
And my deepest pain
We have walked with
And comforted each other
Through the untimely losses
of both our Dads
They should be here
For us
And to see our children graduate
Develop their gifts
Get married
Well, the results came back
As did my hepatitis
Seeing our grief
The nurse left us alone
In the examining room
To absorb what we had heard
To comfort each other
To cry
Rather than being a painful
Chapter in our lives
To be looked back on
This illness will remain
We will learn to accept it
Though anger, anguish and grief precede
Our learning to live with this burden
God will use it as an instrument of change
Good and great things will stem
From this uninvited invader
Of what we thought
Our lives would look like
God is the author of my life
Of our lives, of our children's lives
Now we look around and say
This is not what we ever wanted
Or asked for
It feels so cruel and harsh
I stomp my feet
Climb in bed
Bury my head under the covers
And say
It just can't be
This is not okay with me
You cry with me
Searching for a way
To lessen my sorrow
God, right now I want to run
And run and run
But running from You is pointless
For there is nowhere that You aren't!
So even with my childlike tantrums
And my deep fear
Of an unknown future
Help me to do my running
Toward You
Even if I flail in Your arms
Like an obstinate two-year-old
Be patient with me
I just can't take another step
It's scary ahead
And I am afraid
Offer me Your strong
And steady hand
Teach me to believe
That Your ways
Are really, truly
Higher, better, brighter
Than my ways
It sounds impossible now
But someday let me look back
And see how You became my strength
In weakness
How You became
My light
In darkness
Be, as You have been at other times,
The lifter of my head
I don't want to look back
At the end of my life
And say, I could have had a good life
Had it not been for my illness
Let it not define me
Let being Your daughter define me
Let knowing Your goodness define me
Let a life being yielded to You
Because I'm certain of Your love
Define me
I'm going to need so many reminders
Of Your love and goodness
Along the way
Doubts will arise
But I'll take them to You
This bad news is a chance for me
To say
I wonder how God is going to show
His goodness and grace
Through this situation
I know He will
As I reach my shaky hand
Toward His strong, steady hand
And walk with Him
Sometimes reluctantly
But hopefully willingly
Step by baby step.
Diane Mann, 2004
