In Support of Marriage

"Equal" signs are popping up on facebook, along with the marriage-between-a-man-and-a-woman statements.  While weighty decisions are being made about marital unions in our country, I find myself also taking a look at marriage, not out there so much with the implications on a nationwide scale, but here in my home and in the relationships of people I know.  Do I "support marriage"?  How do I do so in my own life and encourage my friends to do the same?

My husband, Brent, phoned from Alabama last night, where he is on a business trip, and we were, unusual for us, actually enjoying talking on the phone, like two teenagers who are just getting to know each other. We both noticed how much fun we were having, and the conversation led to how God has brought us to a place of enjoying -- finding joy in -- one another.  Brent mentioned he felt it was a rare, beautiful thing that's going on with us and said sadly he doesn't see a whole lot of people super keen on their spouses.  I mentioned that God had been leading me to pray for marriages, naming a few.

Brent paused.  "Diane, how many people in this world have someone praying for their marriage?  Think about it.  That's a neat thing you're doing."

I know many people have prayed for mine.  And I know the sure hand of God that has wrought beautiful things in my marriage relationship.  I know of His redemptive heart, His longing to make impoverished places rich again, to pour His love into us and see us show one another the love and mercy shown us.

And I know pain.  I know what it's like to feel unenjoyed, lonely, unseen, misunderstood.  Wounds my husband and I did not even know existed have been pricked unbeknownst to either of us at times, and we hurt each other deeply. Then there are the times we've intentionally been critical or acted with disdain and exasperation toward each other.  For a stretch, our marriage was a raw, huge "ouch" for us both.

Committing your life to another, with promises to cherish and love, is really an impossible endeavor, one that for us has meant running out of love then running to the One who is love to show us what love looks like.  I know of not many easy marriages. Sadly they can become a place of destruction rather than a place of healing.  But God specializes in changing people, in transforming lives.  I know we are surprised at our ineptness at redeeming ourselves, but our Maker is not at all surprised and stands by willing to step in as we allow and invite Him into our places of pain. 

Below I offer some ways to support marriage, the one that is yours:

*Seek help when needed.   Proverbs 11:14 states, "Where no wise guidance is, the people fall; But in the multitude of counselors there is safety." 

*Dismantle the idol of the perfect partner.  Write on a balloon ways you think your spouse ought to be.  Let it go.  The ways you wish he or she were have served as an idol, and they actually blind you to who your spouse is, making you unable to receive your mate for the gift he or she really is.  Again, let it go.

*Ask Jesus to meet your deepest needs.  No one else was ever intended to.  Confess to Him your longing for your spouse's love more than His love if you have done this. 

*When you find yourself viewing your mate through a critical, without-grace lens, go straight to Jesus.  Sit in His love, asking Him to pour into you.  Do this often.  As you receive His love and allow it to change you, you will be more gracious in your love for your spouse.  You cannot try harder to love nor conjure up a gracious spirit.  This only happens through Christ in you.

*Compliment the good you see.

*Thank God daily for the gift of your husband or wife.

*Ask God to show you how He sees your spouse and to notice what He is up to in his or her life.  Seek to have His heart toward your loved one.  Ask Him to show you ways you can come alongside Him in loving her or him.

*Celebrate the day of your marriage each month.   For us, it's Happy 12th.  In the simplest of ways, you can convey the message, "I'm still glad I married you."  A favorite candy bar, a note, a coffee date -- you get it.

*When working through a hard issue together, choose to put it aside for a time.  Select a date on which you will again talk about the ongoing problem.  This is really freeing to be able to enjoy each other even though not all is resolved.

*Live under the lens of Christ's love for you.  Your spouse will never understand you fully and may completely misunderstand you at times, not seeing you for who you are.  Ask God what He sees, and live more constantly under His gaze.

*Accept the fact that you cannot change anyone.  Keep tending to your own relationship with God, and continually entrust your mate to His care.

*Throw out the comparisons, whether it be comparing your marriage to another, your husband or wife to another.  Nobody would really want to trade dirty laundry if they knew the reality of others' hardships.

*Allow space in your home for both of you to become more fully who you really are -- two very different people with your own personalities, interests, likes, dislikes.  You may not "get" your wife's love of candles, for example.  But ask her what she loves about candles.  Wives, see what it is that he enjoys so much about flashlights.  Find out what lights up your mate.

*Reminisce together on ways God has blessed your relationship.

These are some ways God has helped us to nurture our marriage.  The hardships and failures really have caused us to become more dependent on His love and grace toward us.  When we are weak, He indeed is strong.  May He be your strength in your most broken places and infuse your lives and relationships with His love and mercy.

Treasures from the Trail, Part 7 - Trail Names

In the book “Wild,” a woman's recounting of her hike along the Pacific Crest Trail, I learned that through-hikers typically receive trail names, monikers given to them by others or thought of by themselves.   My friend Carla, who went on a High Sierra adventure just weeks before I did, reported back to me that she had given herself a trail name, MeadowLark!  So hiking along, I kept my mind open and searching for what my trail name would be.

John Denver in his song “Rocky Mountain High,” sings these words, “seeking grace in every step he takes.”  This song was replaying in my mind, singing in me as I ventured, helping me realize that I, too, with each step am watching for grace.  I tried a few names on for size before I adopted the name “Grace-Seeker,” not the grooviest of the names I'd conjured up, as I was hoping for something with a word about nature in it (Grace Blossom for example), but “Grace-Seeker” settled in me as the most fitting.  I felt funny about sharing my new identity with Brent, pretty certain he would find it silly for one to give oneself a trail name.  But I did inform him of my new title, which led to a really good talk between us as we made our way over a couple-mile portion of the John Muir Trail, leading us past several lakes without a climb, trails that meandered a little up, a little down and a lot across -- the way I think every trail ought to be (and life itself, for that matter)! Wildflowers of dizzying brightness and variety sprinkled the mountainsides, granting us lovely views as we conversed.

“What is grace to you?” he asked, inquiring more about my new name. 

The mist from a waterfall when I'm miserably hot, 
a flat spot in the middle of a steep climb, a splash of beautiful color from a flower that speaks life and energy into me when my eyes are weary from viewing miles of gray granite rock and dust, 
a made-for-me-boulder offering a place of rest, the sound of a rushing river in the distance growing closer with each step. Sometimes grace is found in the next breath, then the next or that couple of seconds when the right foot is holding my weight and the bottom of my left receives rest and vice versa. 

One thing is for certain: I'm always on the lookout for grace!

We talked about what that is in everyday life, where when things are difficult, I am seeking out where is God in this and anticipating what surprising way He is going to show me His goodness, sometimes in unavoidably clear ways, other times in ways that harder to discern, bringing me courage, even rest, for the journey of life. God has the universe at His disposal with ways to bless His loved ones, so the creative ways He reveals His goodness really are without limit.  

Grace is described in Scripture as being given lavishly by God.  It's God doing for me what I could not possibly do for myself -- and bestowing it gladly upon me. By golly, if it's around me in such abundance, I want to notice it, depend on it, lean into it, absorb it, to splash in it and let it change the who of me.

Brent is an awesome listener. He tuned into my heart as we walked and asked questions here and there. I can't say that we came up with an amazingly precise definition of grace, but the beauty was in our exploration and reception of it together.

“I thought of my trail name!” Brent blurted out the following day. Surprised that he had been in search of a name for himself, I was eager to know what it was. “PackMann!” he replied. We both found this to be perfectly suited to him, with "Mann" being our last name and Brent's super-hero efficiency at arranging our backpacks. He somehow finds a place for everything we thought couldn't possibly fit, and he is the one who is always helping to retrieve my belongings from my pack. On a subsequent hike, I gave him the middle name “MoonShadow,” because we went on a walk at night and he pointed out that we'd be able to see our shadows in the light of the moon. He notices things like that, causing me to be aware of them.

What unexpected joy we found in seeking out new names and sharing them with each other. The lightheartedness of it was refreshing and brought some levity to our steps.

Sounds like grace to me.

PackMann doing his thing.

Click on link below for video of Brent's insistence we use trail names on final day of hike.  Too fun.

http://youtu.be/uCRj9JKL9UM

Done

Yes, healing is a process
Yet there comes a time
When Christ Himself
Declares
It is finished
It is done
A line has been drawn
Across the ground
On which you journey
Let's leave the hurt here
It serves you no more
The struggle is over
Not to be resurrected
Here it will lie
As forward we walk
In truth.

diane mann 2013