My Father's Voice

As a little girl, when Sunday School was over, I'd dash to my parents' class, 
reach on my tippy toes to sneak some sugar cubes from their refreshment table then make my way through a jungle of tall people until I finally reached my dad, who would  pick me up with his strong arms. Back then, all the men wore dark-colored suits. Once after searching for a while, I found a pair of legs  I was sure were my father's. Hugging this leg tightly and fully expecting to find the rest of my father attached to it, I looked up only to discover it was not my daddy after all! 

What eventually would lead me to my father was his loud, booming voice. His laughter permeated the room far above that of any other noise, and that inevitably drew me to him.

Even when I became adult with children of my own, I'd hear my father's laugh in the church sanctuary and know he was there, which I always found comforting.

A strong voice, a thundering laugh. A sound that could be heard above the others. That was my father's voice.

Was. I say that because he broke his neck after falling from a roof.  He became completely paralyzed from his neck down and relied on a ventilator to supply his every breath. Being unable to move at all was harsh enough, but for the first two months following his injury, he also could not speak. 

I learned to read lips. Each day that I would enter his hospital room, I was 
able to see him mouth out "I love you" one more time. I read statements such 
as "Unbelievable," "Why?" "I will never move again," but the most memorable 
and important to me was, "I love you." That, followed by a strong kiss on 
my hand from him left me more than grateful for each visit, for each day. My 
dad thought he was useless at times, but he was giving out blessings right 
there from his hospital bed.

Funny. He had no voice, yet I was listening more intently than ever. 
"Dad," I would ask, "are you still the richest man in the world?" (as he 
claimed to be before his accident).

"I am," his lips would mouth silently.

Months later, after therapists had worked much with his equipment,  the day came 
that he was able to speak. With only my mom and a hospital worker 
present, the words he chose were, "Jesus loves me.  This I know."

So many messages are heard by us when we travel dark roads, when tragedy 
threatens to take over our lives. Without a doubt, the "Why me?" creeps in. 
Questions prevail about God's goodness or lack of it. Blaming others, 
blaming self. Messages of our own uselessness and helplessness can cripple 
us inside and leave us believing lies above the truth. 

Through all the times of questioning and doubt, however, there's a father's 
voice in the room. It leads you to Him, the One who will pick you up with 
His strong, welcoming arms. A persistent voice, one that we need to hear 
above all the others, saying, "I love you. This one thing I long for you to know." A 
voice that leads you straight to where you belong. There's no mistaking it. 
It's the voice of your father. Do you hear Him? 

Diane Mann

Treasures From the Trail, Part 8 - From Thanks to Praise

I remember not
The exact day of our hike
Nor the area in which we sat
But a boulder - some boulder
Somewhere
Beneath us
Seating us

I remember not
Whether it was Brent
Or I who said
"Let's say
What we're grateful for"

Feet dangling over the edge
Swinging as children's
No sensible rhythm
The popcorn of thanks
Began

One from me
Two from him
Pause
A burst of
Back-and-forth
Much like the beat
Of a toddler
With two drumsticks
Experimenting

Health, strength
To climb, gear
Flashlights, flame
On which to cook
Freeze-dried food
Shelter, air mattresses
Air, vibrant blue sky, luscious clouds
Trees that tell so many stories
And speechlessly preach
Of how we long to be

Unimaginable creativity of color
In the blossoms
Water that flows
That stays still
Inviting us to rest
Beside it

God, extremely good
Having ushered us
Through difficulties
Deaths, depression, illness yet
Therein rebirthing our love
And enjoyment
Of each other
And of Him
(The pain between two
Only those two can know
Likewise the miracle
Of healing and hope)

Silence
It seems we're finished
But sort of not
The time too sacred
To yet hem shut
And be done with it

"Let's sit with our thanks awhile"
I interject

Neither of us can say just when it happened
And certainly not how
For what human could contrive this?
But the thanks
Like morning mist
Lifting one particle at a time
Became rising raucous praise
Too rich for words

Like watching the
Finale of a fireworks show
We quietly witnessed
Gratitude
Transformed
To praise
Of the quietest, loudest kind

I remember not
Who
But one of us said
"Amen"
And we departed
From the rock
That hosted us
Never quite the same

This I shall always remember.

diane mann 2013

The Exchange

to embrace, one must let go of some thing

to wear, one must take something off

to receive, one  must clear space

to love, one must forsake all other lovers

to choose a path, one must reject other paths

to worship, one must ignore idols

to focus on a thing, one must have blurred vision of other things

to win over lies, one must surrender to truth

to hear the voice so small, so still, one must become deaf to screaming messages

to turn towards, one must turn away from 

to flow with gratitude, one must be drained of comparisons

to be who one is, one must shed masquerades (as glittering as they may be)

to live, -- ah, to  live fully, to live truly

I

must

die

diane mann 2013

In Support of Marriage

"Equal" signs are popping up on facebook, along with the marriage-between-a-man-and-a-woman statements.  While weighty decisions are being made about marital unions in our country, I find myself also taking a look at marriage, not out there so much with the implications on a nationwide scale, but here in my home and in the relationships of people I know.  Do I "support marriage"?  How do I do so in my own life and encourage my friends to do the same?

My husband, Brent, phoned from Alabama last night, where he is on a business trip, and we were, unusual for us, actually enjoying talking on the phone, like two teenagers who are just getting to know each other. We both noticed how much fun we were having, and the conversation led to how God has brought us to a place of enjoying -- finding joy in -- one another.  Brent mentioned he felt it was a rare, beautiful thing that's going on with us and said sadly he doesn't see a whole lot of people super keen on their spouses.  I mentioned that God had been leading me to pray for marriages, naming a few.

Brent paused.  "Diane, how many people in this world have someone praying for their marriage?  Think about it.  That's a neat thing you're doing."

I know many people have prayed for mine.  And I know the sure hand of God that has wrought beautiful things in my marriage relationship.  I know of His redemptive heart, His longing to make impoverished places rich again, to pour His love into us and see us show one another the love and mercy shown us.

And I know pain.  I know what it's like to feel unenjoyed, lonely, unseen, misunderstood.  Wounds my husband and I did not even know existed have been pricked unbeknownst to either of us at times, and we hurt each other deeply. Then there are the times we've intentionally been critical or acted with disdain and exasperation toward each other.  For a stretch, our marriage was a raw, huge "ouch" for us both.

Committing your life to another, with promises to cherish and love, is really an impossible endeavor, one that for us has meant running out of love then running to the One who is love to show us what love looks like.  I know of not many easy marriages. Sadly they can become a place of destruction rather than a place of healing.  But God specializes in changing people, in transforming lives.  I know we are surprised at our ineptness at redeeming ourselves, but our Maker is not at all surprised and stands by willing to step in as we allow and invite Him into our places of pain. 

Below I offer some ways to support marriage, the one that is yours:

*Seek help when needed.   Proverbs 11:14 states, "Where no wise guidance is, the people fall; But in the multitude of counselors there is safety." 

*Dismantle the idol of the perfect partner.  Write on a balloon ways you think your spouse ought to be.  Let it go.  The ways you wish he or she were have served as an idol, and they actually blind you to who your spouse is, making you unable to receive your mate for the gift he or she really is.  Again, let it go.

*Ask Jesus to meet your deepest needs.  No one else was ever intended to.  Confess to Him your longing for your spouse's love more than His love if you have done this. 

*When you find yourself viewing your mate through a critical, without-grace lens, go straight to Jesus.  Sit in His love, asking Him to pour into you.  Do this often.  As you receive His love and allow it to change you, you will be more gracious in your love for your spouse.  You cannot try harder to love nor conjure up a gracious spirit.  This only happens through Christ in you.

*Compliment the good you see.

*Thank God daily for the gift of your husband or wife.

*Ask God to show you how He sees your spouse and to notice what He is up to in his or her life.  Seek to have His heart toward your loved one.  Ask Him to show you ways you can come alongside Him in loving her or him.

*Celebrate the day of your marriage each month.   For us, it's Happy 12th.  In the simplest of ways, you can convey the message, "I'm still glad I married you."  A favorite candy bar, a note, a coffee date -- you get it.

*When working through a hard issue together, choose to put it aside for a time.  Select a date on which you will again talk about the ongoing problem.  This is really freeing to be able to enjoy each other even though not all is resolved.

*Live under the lens of Christ's love for you.  Your spouse will never understand you fully and may completely misunderstand you at times, not seeing you for who you are.  Ask God what He sees, and live more constantly under His gaze.

*Accept the fact that you cannot change anyone.  Keep tending to your own relationship with God, and continually entrust your mate to His care.

*Throw out the comparisons, whether it be comparing your marriage to another, your husband or wife to another.  Nobody would really want to trade dirty laundry if they knew the reality of others' hardships.

*Allow space in your home for both of you to become more fully who you really are -- two very different people with your own personalities, interests, likes, dislikes.  You may not "get" your wife's love of candles, for example.  But ask her what she loves about candles.  Wives, see what it is that he enjoys so much about flashlights.  Find out what lights up your mate.

*Reminisce together on ways God has blessed your relationship.

These are some ways God has helped us to nurture our marriage.  The hardships and failures really have caused us to become more dependent on His love and grace toward us.  When we are weak, He indeed is strong.  May He be your strength in your most broken places and infuse your lives and relationships with His love and mercy.